Dwarves, Hippos, and Witches
by Middleageslover
Summary: This is an actual conversation my friend and I had about Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. BEWARE! It is the weirdest thing I have ever, and probably will ever write.
1. Chapter 1

**Note**: Christina and I do not own Jensen or Jared (although we both wish we did) or the Charmed ones. Also, no Dwarves, hippos, or witches were harmed in the making of this story.

**Author's note:** This story is totally fictional. None of this ever happened (although we wish some of it did). These are mostly all actual messages we had posted to each other over the course of a few days. I hope you enjoy. Also, I am sorry if we offend anybody, and we apologize ahead of time. Thank you!

**Dwarves, hippos, and witches:**

I was talking to Christina one day, when we decided we would kidnap Jensen and Jared.

We made up our ingenious, fool proof plan:

**Alex (me):** ok, so if we are going to do this, we should do it right.

**Christina:** I agree. We will need help though.

**Alex:** No. We should be able to do it on our own. But we may need spies for the first part, to make sure we can get them without being caught.

**Christina: **Yes, ok. goes off to find spies

**Alex: **Alright. I will get the supplies. goes into garage to find supplies

A few minutes later…

**Christina:** Ok. Back. I found some good spies. They will keep track of their every move.

**Alex:** Good. We will strike when the time is right. I'm off to buy smoke bombs and smoke screens.

**Christina:** Ok. ttyl then.

A few days later, when everything was set…

**Alex:** Ok. We strike tonight, while they are asleep. There are body guards and video cameras outside, so we will have to be extra careful not to get caught!

**Christina:** Yes. We will dress all in black, wearing black masks. I will use the smoke bombs when we are dragging the boys out of their rooms. They should be fine once I drug them. They shouldn't wake up for a few hours after that.

**Alex:** Ok. Good. I will go get Jared, you get Jensen.

**Christina: **Ok.

Outside Jensen's house (Christina is stuck in Jensen's window)…

**Alex: **Come on Christina! Hurry!

**Christina: **I'm trying, but he won't budge!

**Alex: **shimmies up to window helps pull Jensen out Come on! We have to get going! drags Jensen down with Christina's help

**Christina: **throws smoke bomb at oncoming guards Ok. Let's put him in the back of the car with Jared. hops in car

**Alex:** hops in driver's seat and drives off

Back at Alex's house…

**Christina:** hops out of car Help me bring them inside.

**Alex:** Ya. Sure. helps pick up Jensen and Jared and drags them inside

**Christina:** Thanks. ties up Jensen

**Alex:** No problem. ties up Jared

A few minutes later…

**Alex:** (has hidden Jared, untied Jensen, and has run off with him.) You will never catch me!

**Christina:** You bitch! I will get you!

**Alex:** Never! maniacal laughter takes off with Jensen behind another house

**Christina:** pulls out grenade and tosses it my direction

**Alex:** AAHHH! grenade just barley misses, but I'm knocked off my feet

**Christina:** HA! Jensen, come back!

**Alex:** You will never get him!

battle continues like this for several minutes

**Alex:** NO! How did you do that?

**Christina:** With my invisibility cloak! That's how! holds out cloak for me to see

**Alex: **runs up and grabs cloak Ha! grabs Jensen and runs off You will never find me!

**Christina: **Shit! NO! Jensen! Come back! cries

**Alex: **Feels sorry for Christina, so I give back Jensen, but I take Jared Here, I don't want him anyway.

**Christina:** is happy Jensen! I missed you!

A lot of happy x-rated moments later, in Alex's bedroom…

**Alex:** Has Jared tied up on her bed WOW! That was amazing! giggles, and rubs Jared

Meanwhile…

**Christina:** puts clothes back on I love you Jensen!

**Alex:** calling to Christina Come on! Jared is making pancakes!

**Christina:** Ok. unties Jensen Let's go eat lover boy!

In the kitchen…

**Alex:** Look, Jared made us pancakes! eats pancake Yum! (referring to Jared)

**Christina:** Jared tastes like pancakes!

**Alex:** No! pours syrup on Jared But now he might! giggles

**Christina:** pours chocolate syrup on Jensen MM-mm good!

**Alex**: Gets out honey and sugar, and pours it on Jared Sweet!

**Christina**: turns radio on "the weather today is rainy with a slight chance of Alex and Christina fighting over Jensen and Jared"

**Alex:** grabs chocolate syrup out of Christina's hands and proceeds to pour it over herself

**Christina: **tries to get chocolate back from you but slips and falls next to you two

**Alex:** Laughs at you mockingly AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Loser! licks syrup off Jared

Later that day, after the _wonderful _breakfast syrup fight…

**Christina:** plays music dances around

**Alex: **oh ya! puts on louder music and takes of Jared's clothes, and own lol  
**Christina:**proceeds to do the same  
runs off with Jensen out of the house and under a bridge

**Alex: **jumps into pool

**Christina: **throws rocks at your pool

**Alex: **I thought u were under a bridge?  
Oh well, catches rocks, and throws them back at u

**Christina: **gets hit in head  
is mad  
teleports with Jensen into pool  
fakes a "its ok, forget it" face

**Alex:** takes invisibility cloak with Jared under it  
runs off to a secluded, woody area

**Christina:** uses power to read your mind from far away

Later that day…

**Alex: **hits u in the head, making u pass out  
drags u and locks u in a closet   
handcuffs Jared and Jensen to each hand and runs off

**Christina:** wakes up WTF?  
looks in pockets  
starts banging on the door  
AHHHH Michael Myers!  
Michael Myers appears and stabs me  
"damn!"  
is kicked out the closet  
"hmm didn't know Michael was..like..that, oh well"

**Christina:** is trying to leave house but suddenly remembers she glued them shut  
slaps self while the song "Don't be stupid" suddenly plays in her head  
oh the irony!

**Alex:**

**Christina:** starts running around your house looking for stuff that might tell me where you are

The Battle…

**Alex: **thinksAhahahahaha! I have them both! She will never find me!

5 minutes later…

**Christina:** Aha! I found you! uses the force to take Jensen off the handcuffs

**Alex:** NO! You cannot use the force! throws dwarves Go get her! they beat you with sticks

**Christina:** falls on butt Hey! picks up rocks and throws them at dwarves

Meanwhile, Jensen and Jared are watching, no longer handcuffed to me, but they are watching in awe.

**Alex:** calls in the Charmed ones "She is trying to kill us! Help!" the Charmed ones use their powers to knock you down dwarves continue beating you with sticks

**Christina:** picks up a dwarf and tosses it your direction Jensen, I will save you! turns into demonic creature

**Alex:** RUN!

**Christina: **Jensen, come back! starts crying turns back into human

**Alex:** feels sorry for you Go Jensen, she needs you!

**Christina:** is happy, but mad at you starts throwing rocks at you

**Alex:** tosses hippo towards you, but it lands on Jensen

**Christina:** JENSEN!

**Alex:** JENSEN!

**Christina:** runs to him

**Alex:** NO! calls charmed ones, who use their powers to try to heal him

**Christina:** I hope it works!

**Alex:** me to!

Several long, agonizing moments later…

**Christina:** Jensen! You're alive!

**Alex:** Thank god! I am so sorry!

**Christina:** I can't believe it! Where's that hippo come from?

**Alex:** I know! Um…I don't know. thinks It fell from the sky…?

**Christina:** Whatever. At least I have my baby back! lol

**Alex:** Ya. That's good. Let's go home.

**Christina: **Ok

**Alex:** takes Jared, who was hiding in the bushes Come on. It's all over.

That night, after everything was settled…

**Christina: **pouts  
well the power is out and we can't leave.  
tries to find a flash light

starts laughing randomly

**Alex: **WTF?

**Christina: **ignores and keeps looking  
finds a match, but nothing to light it with  
Hmmmm thinks I wonder if Jensen's hot body could light the match

**Alex: **Snuggles up to Jared

**Christina: **starts rubbing Jensen with match  
nope...it doesn't work  
thinks at least the light wasn't on…Alex didn't see what I was doing!  
keeps looking

**Alex: **tickles Jared's feet Jared giggles

**Christina: **is still looking but gets distracted by Jared's laughter  
thinks he has a nice laugh...  
gets back to looking  
ah ha! I found a flashlight...but no batteries --.  
crawls around till she finds the kitchen where there should be batteries

**Random Spectator, Leah (who appeared out of nowhere): **what did you guys do, drug them?

**Christina: **thinks of...course...not  
hides drugs down the sink  
yeah...no drugs...

**Alex: **…what are you talking about? Of course we used drugs on them! pokes first page

**Christina: **stops thinking in fear that Leah will know of her dirty thoughts as well  
beware of the Leah!

**Alex: **beware of the Leah!  
Yes! Beware! Lol hugs Jared

**Christina: **finally finds batteries  
turns on light  
I think were gonna be here for a long time  
looks at glue on door  
Maybe we could burn the glue off...  
Jensen and Jared look at each other  
Both: Did somebody say _Burn?_

**Alex: **ha! Burn!

picks up candles from counter and proceeds to light them

**Christina:** burns house down on accident --  
I should of thought about it!  
think but than Leah would of known you wanted to light the candle  
argues back in head  
well that's what I wanted to do!  
Jensen gives me that "are you crazy" look

**Alex:** You Bitch! You burnt my house down!

**Christina:** It's still thundering outside...  
goes along to find shelter

**Alex:** grabs umbrellas and invisibility cloak

takes off with Jared

**Christina:** watches Alex's footsteps in the mud  
transforms into a wolf and follows her

**Alex:** magically grows wings and flies off with Jared, both still under the cloak

**Christina: **turns back into a girl  
No Jensen, I am not a werewolf!  
thinks that's what I get for dating a supernatural hunter. but oh well.

**Alex: **Ha! You'll never catch me now!

**Christina: **Looks at Alex  
is that a...  
moves with Jensen before an anvil drops on top of me  
starts running like flash to catch up with you when you land

**Alex: **Who says I will land anywhere near you?

flies off to the mountain top with Jared

You'll never find me!

**Christina: **is still looking for Alex  
pulls out scope

**Alex: **still hiding from Christina

Hey! It's stopped raining!

holds Jared tightly while landing on the mountain peak

**Christina: **senses body heat from Jared  
and starts walking toward where you are...

**Alex: **WTF? How did you find us?

**Christina: **Body heat 

**Alex: **Glances at heat vision goggles

I realize that. But how did you get up here so fast?

**Christina: **my third leg Oo

**Alex: **um...oohkay? Whatever. Want to join us? We were just about to gaze up at the stars. Then we can sleep out here.

points to the tents that were set up

**Christina:** I would love to!

**Alex:** Great! snuggles closer to Jared and gazes up at stars How beautiful!

Yes, I know. Possibly the weirdest thing you have ever read. What is even stranger is that this was an actual conversation between us. Hard to believe, huh? Well, we will continue this, but I will only post more if you want to read more. Please let me know, so I wont disturb anyone else. Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2. This time my friend Apple was there to help us. It isnt as weird as the first part, I promise.

0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0

Applesooo...twiddles thumbs kicks alexs gnome on her lawn RUUUN!

Alex: hey! dont kick my lawn gn...wait! since when do i have lawn gnomes?

Apple: You mean..those short elf things are really? gasp

Alex: omg! RUN! attack of the gnomes! christina! get the hippo!

Apple:i dont know.. they were there when i got there...kicks another gnome with a evil face That one looked liked it was gunna eat me.

Alex: Ahhhh!

Apple: Yay! Wait... i think i know who did it. points to camera crew Camera crew: DONT LOOK AT THE CAMERA! FOCUS ON THE SCRIPT!

Alex: What script? Since when is this a movie? GET OUT OF MY LAWN!

Apple: o0..Isnt that the guy who directs supernatural.

Alex: What would he be doing here? Oo

Apple: oo i dont know... Crew: Ok next scean. Me:...huh?

Alex: omg! maybe we are on some kind of reality show? ahhh! i havent done my makeup yet! uh...where'd christina go?

Apple: OMG! runs in and does makeup, and changes outfit  
Wait.. I never signed anything to be on a reality show.

Alex: me either. STALKERS!

Apple: Uh, Idk. hello?echo

Alex: jared pulls out gun GET OFF MY PROPERTY NOW! me: jared get them off now!

jared: im warning you!

Christina: jumps back in  
throws hippo

Apple: Ahhh! You stupid stalker. get water hose and acts likes its a gun haha! Bye byewhoooaa! Where'd the hippo come from!stalkers!

Alex: points up the sky Oo

Apple: Me: ooo! You made jared mad. You in trouble. Jensen: helps jared"  
Me: Oo! you made Jensen mad too. Mann, Yall in trooubllle. BIG trouble.

Christina: yeah...HUGE trouble

Apple: looks up Do you hear that music? oh no!

Christina: oh no..not the music barney theme plays OO my ears!

Alex: music? what? hears jaws theme OMG!

Apple: Wait? its a barny jaws mix. oO

Alex: AHHHHHHHHHH! Barney! RUN!

Apple:music still plays DUN DUN DUUUUNNnNNNN!  
WTH! AHHH! bannanas starts falling from the sky

Christina: DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

Alex: barney pops out of nowhere OMG! He's gonna kill us all with that song!

jared starts firing gun its not working!

Christina: grabs pair of earmuffs covers ears

Alex: does the same COme on!

jared: what? i puill him and u with me behind a shed me: get the hiipos! they will save us!

Christina: hmmm behind a shed lifts one eyebrow stops day dreaming ok...that was ehh weird  
goes behind shed

Alex: christina! cant u and jensen get your minds out of the gutter for more than a minute? w/e.

hipppos fall from sky, one lands on barney yay!

Christina: score one! yes!

Alex: Barney's Dead. YAY! camera crew is gone. i think they like apple. they only show up when she's here. pulls jared close kisses him mmmmmm

Christina: does same with jensen

Alex: jared...lets go back to my place...we can swim ;)

Christina: scratched head in confusing Im gonna take a walk...

Alex? why? be careful. is jensy going with u? lol

Christina: yeah..he is but were jsut walking

Alex: okies. have fun goes with jared to pool omg! ghost jared pulls out slat gun and kills it my hero :)


	3. Chapter 3

So this chapter doesn't have Christina in it, because she wasn't here when we were doing this, and it's just full of randomness and there is really no plot…it makes no sense, but feel free to get a laugh out of it. Honestly, not one of the better parts of this ongoing story, but its funny. It will leave you confused and stunned…maybe…

**Chapter 3:**

**Apple**: who we lose? looks under tables, and closets looking  
Alex? I told you to keep Jared on the leash, goshh..

**Alex:** lmao! apple... jared doesnt need a leash...he has a shock collar

**Apple:** ohh. then were the remote for it?  
You didn't loose that too..

**Leah:** that's inhumane alex... if you have that one him, then i'm stealing him and lettin him live in a shockcollar-free enviroment... i'll have razor wire and electric fence instead...

**Alex:** LMAO! leah! -dies laughing- i like being inhumane...plus, jared is free to go where he pleases, just as long as i am wiht him.

**Apple:** oo -trys to touch eletric fence-umm..jensen you go first.  
lol i really did touch a eletric fence once, it hurt like &$!

**Leah**: i touched one a few times, but i was wairing rubber boots, so it didn't hurt at all

**Alex**: why would you do that apple? Same question leah…

**Apple**: So ar eyou saying that everytime you puch this button someone gets shocked?-grins-

**Alex**: no apple! dont push the big red button in the middle of the screen...

**Leah**: -steals shocker button-thingy- muahahahaha! losers! -runs away-

**Alex**: -chases leah around until she falls and lands on the big red button-  
uh-oh! apple...RUN!

**Leah**: -stands up and watches as people get shocked- muahahahaha my plan is working... wait, wasn't jared wairing that collar... runs to sacve jared

**Apple:** NO! MY BUTTON! -steels button back- So who does it shock? -push's button- Ahhh-starts running..somewhere-

**Leah**: -finds jared laying motionless on the ground- you poor poor soul -takes of the collar, and starts petting his head-

**Alex:** Jensen had one too!

**Apple**: NOO JENSEN, YOU STUPID HOT IDIOT-runs toward jensen-

**Leah**: poor Jensen

**Apple:** -stares at color- huh...do you think it comes in a smaller size, and in pink?

**Leah**: two collars and i still have the cattle prod! blue is better than pink!

**Alex**: well...i have a hippo:D i like black OOO! and with sparklies on it!

**Apple**: REALLY! SWEET!

**Leah:** my cattle prod, not yours! puts cattle prob in closet space

**Alex**: well, i have a...BANANA! mwahahaha!

**Apple**: -stares at cattle prod- Should i be afraid?

**Alex**: wait! not just A banana, but a whole closet full! lmao!

**Leah**: i have a blue and purple water buffalo named Walter!

**Alex**: apple...no touchy the prod!

**Apple**: Mann, i have no closet space. my closet, is like...a bomb went off on there...i mean, whoa...its horrible, i have to clean it out next week. lol BANANANA! WHERE! -looks up in the sky-

**Leah**: -stares at jensen- just cause theres bananas around, you can't throw the peels at ppl just so they'll slip on them, ok?

**Apple**: -stares at jensen- It was you! I have bruses on my butt. Oy, The people i hang with.

**Leah**: it's jensen... he suddenly liked getting ppl to slip of banana peels... long story

**Apple**: Ya.. i know the story.. I was there.

**Leah**: sticks out tongue omg fave new word! Corporeal!

**Alex**: jensen throwing my bananas! AHHHHHHHHH! brings out banana cannon

**Leah:** zaps everone with cattle prod and watches as they sizzle now children, lets act our ages

**Alex:** gets shocked with prod turns on banana cannon and fires peels at Leah take that!

**Apple:** Wth? did you hit me with another banana! -throws banana at yall-

**Alex:** our ages? but whyyyy?

**Leah:** fine, we can all act like 3 year olds... that;s way more fun!

**Apple**: Yay! -starts trowing crayons-No...I'll get the MARKERS!

**Alex**: not markers!- runs and hides behind cannon-

**Apple: **-throws markers, only to get hit with a banana-


	4. Chapter 4

Note: Tina is NOT Christina…who is still absent from this story for now…

Also…it totally is getting off the original track we had going, but I hope that it entertains some of you…which I know it does…

(replying to what tarnie said ealier)**Alex**: no tarnie...im never here...physically yes, mentally no...lmao!  
-evil cackle then throws bananas at you and christina- -points and laughs--then runs off into the woods nearby-

**Tina**: -stares and rolls away-  
Somethings going on here...Something weird...-pops up- Hey!

**Alex**: hey! whats up? yeah...when is weirdness never going on here though? lmao! plus, dont you just ever want to throw and actual banana at someone? that would be hilarious!

**Apple**: Omg...whoa...guess where i went today...  
I have a story to tell yall.

**Alex**: APPLE!

**Tina**: HEYYYYY! (squeals, runs to Apple and shoves a Coffee, strawberry and oreo ice cream in her mouth) WEE! I wanna hear

**Leah**: _alex!_

**Tina**LEahh!(throws an imaginary water ballon at Leah)

**Tarnie**: -shifty eyes- hmm random but yay, I love animal crackers wooo mmhhh animal crackers... -goes into daydream about animal crackers and other stupid thing- anyways... lol

**Alex**: lmao!  
-joins tina in the ice cream fight by shoving a handful of chocolate in her face then running away screaming like a little girl- LEAH!  
TARNIE!  
-jumps up and tackles you both, pinning you to the ground-

**Apple**: ALEXX!  
Ok. I went to a old abanded cemetary, with meh friends..and like the gates are all rusterd up, graves open, thombstones broken.ect. The tipical old abanded cemetary.. Well...It was at this lake. And my buddys and I thought it woud be cool to go cheack it out..We did saw lights..heard stuff..like people walking behind us, when were not movieng..and it was getting dark..Well...There was this grave and it was open and broken..and i wasn't looking where i was going...and i fell in. I was like"AHH omg omg!" so these high school guys helped me out. But..it was weird.. i saw a skull.

**Tina**: WEE! Water fight! ( throws waterballons at everyone)

**Leah:** lmao pulls out imaginary Uzi and starts firing randomly yay

**Alex**OMG apple! i hate cemetaries...too creepy...crazy girl!

**Tina:** That is creepy...(stares at the skull and puts a snowball next to the skull)

**Alex:** -steals tina's balloon and chucks it at her, soaking her-  
-maniackle laughs, then runs off behins a bush-

**Apple:** -gets a orea choved in mouth- YAY! COFFEE!  
-Jumps up and down-

**Leah**: gasps omg!

**Tarnie:** thats kinda creepy and ewww lol

**Apple**: Ya.. it was. I Clumsey.  
lol


End file.
